When we see impermanence, the consequences of attachment (dukkha), and the reality that nothing is in our control a little more clearly, we loosen our grip a little, and that makes life a bit easier.
I gave away a few things and left many things behind when I moved to this city. I took a room subleased by a young doctor, and I fully understood the possibility of losing my deposit at that time. She told the owner’s brokers that I was her sister, but I never confirmed that. The brokers knew, but they didn’t make any problems. After the lease ended, I asked them to renew it under my name. It wasn’t without problems, but the main issue was communication. I asked many questions and provided a lot of information, and they didn’t like that. I wanted things to be clear, transparent, and honest, but I believe they felt it was not that necessary. The owner is also a foreigner living in another country and leaves everything to them.
Now, after renewing the lease for the second time, I need to move to another place without completing it. I could foresee the possibility of having to move before the end of the lease, and I tried to negotiate the lease terms, but I wasn’t successful. Then the high-magnitude earthquake happened, and the owner wanted to repair the room. They asked me to move, but I didn’t want to at that time, and they agreed to let me stay until the end of the contract. Ironically, after a few months, I need to move. At first, they didn’t want me to move, but later one of them negotiated with the owner and allowed me to sublease under the same terms and conditions. I believe that is rare, and I appreciate it. At the same time, I feel the burden of responsibility for doing so. It is more difficult than simply losing the deposit.
With my current financial situation, it is better for me not to lose that amount of money. Still, thinking that it is fine to lose it makes me feel better. If I cannot find someone who is willing to take over my lease in time, I will lose it, and I believe that is fair, and I do not want to fight or stress over it.
I was thinking about carrying the materials I am currently using, and to do so, I would need to hire a car. I found the price outrageous, so I decided to simply let go of these things—either leave them for the next tenant to use or give them away to someone who needs them. Selling them is an option, but that also comes with stress, and I need to use them until my last day here.
Thinking about possessions reminds me of impermanence on a larger scale. If I die, I would have to leave everything behind, including my body and other aggregates which are less obvious than the physical body. I see people lose almost everything in earthquakes, severe flooding, fires, storms, and other natural disasters every day. Some people even lose themselves as victims of human trafficking. Compared to that, what I am losing now is nothing.
Attachments also appear in desires for comfort, privacy, and lifestyle. I still cannot imagine myself living in a nunnery, wearing robes, and having almost no possessions. I want my privacy, and I may not like living in a communal place. I may not want to follow all the rules and regulations there. I don’t like chanting or some of the regular activities of nuns. I do not want to rely on others’ offerings just to have a daily meal. I still want control over my life and my choices. So I still have strong attachments in these areas.
I still prefer a good living space with privacy and security and am still spending money a little more than necessary in that area. I can see the attachment clearly. As a result, yes, consequences follow.
My preferences and attachments continue to shift. I wanted to live in this city, and I didn’t want to move anywhere for two years. I thought I would never want to leave, but now I feel I don’t want to stay even one day longer than necessary. There were also foods I felt I could eat daily, but now I no longer want some of them.
I noticed that vegetarian food is only a small fraction of what is available in markets and restaurants. I think it is because they don’t sell much. Thinking about myself, I eat out occasionally, at most one or two meals a week. I am fine with plain, simple meals most of the time, and sellers cannot depend on people like me. I still desire good food, but my attachment is weaker compared to the time when I ate everything. Even though I spend money on a good living space, I do not want to spend money to try food from expensive restaurants. I had friends like that and was spoiled for a while, but I didn’t like it, and I don’t feel it is worth it.
Travel and entertainment preferences have changed as well. I rarely travel or even go out these days. I am mostly in my room studying, meditating, reading, and listening to Dhamma. My attachment to music, songs, and playing guitar weakened significantly just a few months ago. I sold my guitar and completely stopped listening to music and songs. As someone who always sang in the shower and felt I couldn’t live without music, this is a significant change.
At this age, I am grateful each day for my health. Many people my age face serious health problems. I do have a few, but they are manageable, and I am active and functional, and I understand that I can lose this at any moment. Exercising, eating healthily, and keeping myself active are no longer about beauty but about health. Meditation, mindfulness, and continuous learning are partly for brain and mental health. I cannot be lazy; I would lose precious things that money cannot buy back.
However, my attachment to the body has also significantly altered. There were two times when I had to take responsibility for making a dead body look presentable for a funeral. One was a famous cartoonist, and the other was my aunt. Around those times, I often thought about my own body after death and wanted it to look good at my funeral. My attachment to my body was obvious. That shifted, and I do not know when. Now, I no longer worry about my body after death, nor do I truly care what it might look like at a funeral. I even feel that I do not need a funeral at all, as it would only be a burden to others, and immediate cremation is completely fine. I am also aware that I could die in a flood, earthquake, or fire without anyone even recognisng who I am, and it does not concern me. My brother used to tease me that no one will know if I die in my room until the smell comes out, and I am totally fine with that scenario.
Life keeps shifting, and so do my preferences and attachments. I have noticed that even a small loosening of my grip makes life much easier. It has nothing to do with external situations that I have no control over. Whenever I cannot accept things calmly, I suffer more. The eight worldly vicissitudes will come and go and are inevitable in this human life. This is just a reminder for myself to review whenever I need it.
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